Clarifying Questions to Ask in a Relationship When Dating

When the goal of dating is to find a suitable mate to marry, then the axiom of "pay now or pay later" is extremely applicable. All parties involved can end up feeling a lot of long term pain if they fail to ask questions they want answers to, questions that are really important. Your ability to ask difficult questions of yourself and the other person is a small price to pay if it helps you avoid an unhealthy or poorly matched long term union.

Is the attraction mutual? There's a belief in groups of men and women that certain members of the opposite sex or so desirable, "he's a catch - she's a babe" that the issue of mutual attraction is largely ignored.

Here's an example. Let's assume that Brittany is hotly pursued by Tony. He is told by many friends that "he would be lucky to be with a girl like her." Tony pursues her and wins her over. They date and marry. Now Brittany was impressed by the attention she received from Tony, she felt special, even though she found that there were many things about Tony she didn't relate to or even like. She ignored many of her feelings and thoughts because the compliments and emotional strokes she was getting from him felt nice. Being left alone and thus lonely because no other man would be attracted to her like Tony was, was also a concern for her.

A number of years into their relationship, Tony realizes that Brittany isn't that attracted to him and the affection they used to share is absent. He feels hurt, frustrated and angry, and their relationship suffers as a result. Is the attraction mutual?

Over an extended period of time...is the attraction mutual? To really find out how compatible two people are, it takes a bit of time, perhaps more than we would like to admit. The behaviours we exhibit regularly are mostly affected by our subconcious mind...85 to 90%. These behaviours are habitual and have usually been a part of our lives for years and years. Our concious mind carries out the remaining 10-15% of our actions. We make conscious choices about what will eat for dinner, how to respond to a complaining customer, or what to wear to work.

Early in the dating process we are more conscious or conscientious about our clothes, manners, attitude, etc. We usually want to make a good impression. It's common for members of the relationship to relax on their efforts to conciously try and impress their partner the longer they are together. This is when a person's conditioned habits and beliefs can be more easily seen by the other party.

This is why people who date and commit too quickly find themselves years later looking at their mate and wondering "who are you?" "You're not the person I fell in love with!?!?" Correct. The person you fell in love life was consciously behaving in a certain manner. The person you're now with is the same, except they're living from their habits, their habitual behaviour, which is what the subconscious mind stores and references for playback.

While in the dating phase of a relationship, a good question to ask is..."are you willing to take the time to date me so both of us can make an intelligent decision about our compatibility?"

The best relationships, the healthy ones, are based on high levels of mutual trust and respect. Trust and respect are earned, not simply given out freely. When we consider deep human relationships of any sort, we are talking about people who have walked together through many different experiences and learned and grown from those experiences.

If a deep, lasting relationship is what you want, then it's vital to put the relationship to the test while dating. Marriage is made up of lots of tedious and unglamorous activities mixed in with the terrific and exceptional. Can you talk about somewhat difficult topics during dating, or is it all just about fun, fun, fun?

The likelihood of you enjoying a good solid marriage will be in no small part determined by your ability to ask important questions during the dating process.

Is the attraction mutual? In order to really get to know the other person and their habitual behaviour, are the two of you willing to date for a year before making a long term commitment to marriage?

Who we are is defined by our habits. It's not what I do once in a while that is nearly as telling as what I do daily, weekly or monthly. Is the attraction mutual overtime? Do you like their habits? Do you want to marry the kind of habits they've got?