Dealing With Adultery

Adultery is the most serious offence in a marriage because it breaks the trust and union (oneness) between a husband and his wife. It is the height of marital selfishness, an absolutely wicked atrocity, and a very serious sin against God. When you commit adultery in your marriage, you are basically telling your spouse to "go to hell", and directly telling your children, family members, friends, congregation and God that they are not as important as your accomplice. Your adultery will scar your children for life, even more than the rugged road to divorce, which could finally break them.

The impact of adultery is so severe on children that it is akin to parental abuse, neglect and abandonment. A lifelong regrettable act, adultery insults and disowns everyone that truly cares about you and your family. When your spouse commits adultery, it is no one's place to tell you what to do. So I will only be sharing strategies that we have used to help others to recover from this malicious act. First and foremost, though, I will reiterate that unless the husband and wife are strongly willing to put in the time and effort to make their marriage work, the marriage will eventually stalemate.

A marriage that has been rocked by adultery will require a lot of time and effort from both the husband and wife to rebuild. It must be rebuilt and not mended as generally indicated. Mending is the act of putting broken pieces together, while rebuilding gives you the opportunity to start afresh. Mending requires you to put the same pieces together, while rebuilding gives you the opportunity to introduce new pieces, and even a totally different structure altogether. This is why we have created a three-step program to help victims and perpetrators of adultery recover from the impact - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Our program has both intense and relaxing components, with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual exercises designed to energize your body, enlighten your mind, and enrich your soul. Here is a recap, which should help you in your honourable desire to "still make your marriage work". Friend, heaven applauds you for still willing to make it work!

Three Proven Steps of Recovering from Adultery

1. Process of Healing:

If your spouse committed adultery, remorse on his or her part is absolutely required to heal the marriage, while absolute forgiveness on your part is equally crucial. There is no recovery and healing without remorse and forgiveness. This requires time and effort - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Moreover, both of you cannot undergo the Healing Process on your own; you require the help of an experienced marriage counsellor and coach whose programs have strong spiritual flavours. If your spouse is not truly sorry for committing adultery and/or you have not truly forgiven your spouse, then you have a marital deadlock.

In the Healing Process, which could last a long time, we tactfully engage the couple in dialogues that are structured to strategically extract forgiveness and remorsefulness from the deepest part of their hearts.

2. Process of Rebuilding:

At some point of the Healing Process, we will introduce the Rebuilding Process, with an objective to help the couple fall in love with each other again. While the Rebuilding Process helps to solidify the Healing Process, the effectiveness of the Rebuilding Process depends on the success of the Healing Process. Lots of time and effort is further required from both of you to overcome the inestimable impact of adultery in your marriage, with a strong focus on getting to know, trust and love each other all over again. Fun is key in this component.

This is where both of you start going out on dates together, while consistently performing activities to build companionship, support and intimacy. As the victim of adultery, it would likely be hard at first, for you would still have some mental struggles with the fact that the person sitting in front of you recently "stabbed you in the back"; however, we exhort you to persist in this Rebuilding Process with an open mind. For then and only then would you be able to see beyond the associated emotional injury to the remorseful heart of your spouse.

As the perpetrator, you should be working "overtime" to regain the trust of your spouse. Make every effort to consistently inject passion, harmony and growth into your marriage, and help your spouse to become more comfortable with you. Read books about how to energize your marriage. Hire a coach if you need some directions. Attend seminars, join marriage groups, pray continuously, and remain humble forever.

3. Process of Protecting:

In this step, we work with both the victim and perpetrator of adultery to avoid situations and the biased rationale for adultery. The Protecting Process deals with the root causes of adultery, and institute S.M.A.R.T. measures to protect the couple from adulterous thoughts, deeds and situations.

As the victim, and without even trying to justify the despicable act of your spouse, it is always beneficial to ask yourself what you could have done to help him or her maintain focus on the marriage. With humility, you should find out what were the primary characteristics in the accomplice that attracted your spouse in the first place. Often enough, it is encouragement rather than beauty, acknowledgment rather than status, mutual passion rather than wealth, vulnerability rather that courage. Pitiably, we can often deliver what our spouse find attractive in other people, but ignorantly choose not to, or completely oblivious to their marital stimulants.

As the perpetrator, through dialogue and careful observation, we would help you determine how to maintain a consistent, growing focus, and to stay away from tempting situations. Perhaps, you may need to change job, social group, gym and even congregation in order to avoid encounters with your accomplice altogether.

Ask yourself what you should start doing to help your spouse with his or her challenges? Does he or she desire more quality time with you, more lovemaking, more encouragement, more engagement, more growth, or probably, less nagging? Adultery could often be avoided if spouses take the time to look attractive for one another, wear what please each other, reduce their body weight, and make effort to grow intellectually.

Whether you choose to remain in the marriage or not, make sure that you pursue emotional healing to avoid carrying a detrimental "emotional baggage" with you into another relationship. You must learn to trust again, to respect even more, and to get rid of your anger, bitterness and resentment without dismissing the need to move on with your life. Sometimes, a person choosing to leave our life is what we need to live our life. Either way, we are here to help.

Copyright (c) 2010 The Exhortation Life and Business Coaching Service

"I Just Want to Explain" - Explaining as a Form of Control

"My husband never lets me explain anything to him. It's so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won't listen to me when I'm trying to explain."

"Why do you want to explain?"

"I NEED to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate."

"So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does."

"Yes."

"Isn't this, then, a form of control? Aren't you trying to get him to change how he sees things, or how he feels about you?"

"Well, yeah, but he doesn't have all the information he needs."

"So he is blaming you as his form of control, and you are explaining as your form of control - is that right?"

"Um….I don't know. I never thought of explaining as a form of control."

"Aren't you trying to change his mind - change how he sees things?"

"Yes, I guess so. But is that wrong?"

"It is neither right or wrong. But is it working for you?"

"No! He won't listen to me."

"Do you think it is possible that he won't listen to you because he doesn't want to be controlled by you? He doesn't want you trying to talk him out of how he sees things?"

"Yes. That is actually what he says. But I'm just trying to give him the facts, the truth."

"The problem is that he does not want the facts. He is not asking you for the facts. When he is attacking and blaming, he just wants to control you. He is not interested in learning. And neither are you. You are just trying to get him to see the "facts" as you see them."

"Oh, I see this now. But what should I do when he is attacking and blaming and not seeing me or seeing things accurately?"

"How does it feel in your heart when he attacks and blames? Take a moment to tune inside and see what your heart feels when he is so unloving to you."

"Oh, I feel awful. I feel so angry and hurt."

"Look under the anger and hurt feelings. What other feelings are you covering over with your anger and hurt? Tune into your heart. What do you feel in your heart?"

"……I feel sad. And helpless. I hate feeling helpless. And my heart hurts."

"Yes, that is heartache. You feel heartache. And this is a very painful feeling, so you are covering it up with your anger. Right now, put your hands over your heart, breathing into your heart. Open to your Guidance, inviting in compassion for your heartache. Be very gentle, tender, and kind with yourself. Take a minute to do this…..Now what are you feeling?"

"I feel lighter."

"Great. So here is what I suggest you practice. Instead of explaining and defending next time your husband attacks you and blames you, put your hand on your heart and say, 'Your attacking energy is hurting my heart, so I’m going to go into the other room. I'd be happy to talk about it when you are ready to be open and caring.' Then disengage and take a few minutes to bring compassion into your heart. Don't discuss the issue until both of you are open to learning. Are you willing to try this?"

"Yes, I am. I can feel the sense of relief inside. Now that I see what you mean, I can see that explaining is never going to get me anywhere. But is there ever a time to explain?"

"Yes. When both of you are open, then you can explain things from your point of view, as well as try to understand things from his point of view. Both of you will learn new things and will likely be able to easily resolve the issue. But there is no point in explaining until both of you are open."